Life.

I've spent this evening sorting through Paris photos and listening to Gaslight (they are my absolute favourite for the summer!). 

Looking through the photos has made me feel so thankful. I'm so incredibly lucky to have such an amazing other half. It's hard to explain, but from the minute I met him, that was it, it was like we had been best pals forever. I've had several bad relationships (as has everyone) in fact, most of them have turned sour and I've usually been left being made to feel bad for who I am, what I look like, how I act and my anxiety. Being with Alex is completely different, those things don't bother him, he appreciates who I am and my views and opinions. 

It means so much to have someone who genuinely cares about what I think and appreciates the fact that we have our differences and not everyone can agree all the time. Other 'boyfriends' have tried to mold me and make me into the girlfriend they want when what they actually should of been doing is thinking about the type of person they want to spend their life with. If they want someone exactly the same as them then they should of looked for that in the first place.

As for my anxiety, sure, it's still there and I suppose it always will be, but I could count on one hand the number of attacks and bouts of anxiety I have had since September last year. And it's not such a big deal anymore, I used to find that most of my anxiety came from knowing I had to keep it under control, that if I didn't I would be dumped time and time again. I basically had anxiety about my anxiety. Now I know I don't need to feel that way. That doesn't mean that I don't worry about how Alex will react sometimes but it is never to the same extent, and most importantly, it doesn't bother him, all he cares about is making me feel better (which ultimately makes it disappear ten times quicker than when people have got irate at me about it).

Looking at photos from this time last year, it's like looking at a completely different me. I look so anxious, so uncomfortable in my own skin. Every photo I have with Alex or taken since we got together I look like me again, comfortable, confident and happy.
Being with Alex makes me realise that all my insecurities about myself and about relationships were founded upon OLD experiences, OLD 'boyfriends', people trying to ruin things by giving me more things to be more insecure about, feeding me lies and treating me like I'm worth less than a pile of shit. And yeh, it has gotten to me to a certain extent. When things have been said I did doubt myself, I doubted the truth (as I do in any situation) but deep down I knew I am me, I am proud of who I am, the things I have achieved, my beliefs and values, the way I treat people and the world around me and the fact that no matter how much shit I have taken from people I have never retaliated. 

My ex and I have been talking recently. He emailed me several months ago apologising for everything, saying that how he acted was the biggest regret in his life. He was my first love, we were one another's for what seemed like the longest time, we shared a house, a cat, friends, a life. Things turned to shit just like that and he spouted a lot of stuff at me, did a few things to mess with my head, we kept in contact on and off for a year after we split and communication ended rather nastily on his part. For him to apologise and talk about everything is so nice. I guess, to have someone who's been so nasty to you coming out of the wood work and telling you you weren't all the horrible things they claimed you were is really reassuring. It must of taken a lot of guts and I admire that, and I appreciate him for doing it so I could have some weight lifted off my shoulders.

The main thing I've learnt recently, is to focus on the future. Sure, learn from past experiences, but don't judge everyone on how others have been towards you. Don't spend time on insecurities produced from other's past actions. Because Alex sure as hell is nothing like anyone I've met before, and he deserves to be treated that way.